happy Mother's Day!

To all the mamas and will-be mamas out there - happy belated Mother's Day!  Being back in Ethiopia is like coming back to a second home.  We  drove in and the kids immediately jumped on Anthony, yelling "Underdog!!!"  and pulling him out back to the little swing set at the Transition Home.  Their joyful laughter and big smiles makes your heart feel like it is going to burst.  The kids here are the sweetest children I have ever met.

It was an amazing mother's day for us.  We have already witnessed God's hands at work in SO many moments.

The first has been our time with Elora.  We walked into her room and the nannies began saying "Rekik!!  Mommy's here!  Mommy's here!"  And suddenly, i saw her precious face again...and I got overjoyed and terrified all at the same time.  As she looked at me uncertainly, I realized that we had a lot of getting to know each other to do.

But the getting to know her...has been utterly amazing.  I have no idea what her routine is like...how she likes to be held..when she drinks...when she naps.  This sort of thing usually scares me to death...but we have been taking it one step at a time.  I read the book "Kisses from Katie" (an AMAZING read!) on the airplane ride and was struck with one simple line that said something like: "I had no idea what I was doing...but I knew I could give her plenty of love and we would figure it out together."

So I have taken a deep breath...focused on loving Elora..and watched all the little miracles unfold.  Like getting her to take a 3-hour nap...and figuring out that she cries only when she is hungry or tired.  Discovering that she likes to be held in a cradle position or cuddled close to my shoulder ...but NOT facing outward!  We have celebrated her sleeping through the night (2x now!) and kissed her little cheeks more times than we can count.  She greets us with big grins every time now (she can be a fairly solemn thing) and loves touching our faces with her little fingers.  In these two days...I feel like we KNOW our daughter..and that she KNOWS us.  And to me...this is SUCH a miracle.  We still have a long way to go...but the loving each other part is there.

Here is my second witness of God's gracious love for us and His little ones.  We watched as a couple, tired beyond belief, fresh off of a plane, met their 3-year-old daughter for the first time.  This sweet girl had her whole world shatter about 5 weeks ago..her family gone, her life as she knew it ended.  She shyly walked into the arms of her new mama and daddy..unsure, hesitant, a little confused...and within the day, this sweet ones heart was theirs.  You could just see the joy on her little face every time she saw her new mama.  Her little arms were constantly wrapped around her daddy's legs, never wanting to let go.  This little one's face...going from Uncertain to Certain of Being Loved has made my heart burst open all over again. 

Every time i am here...I don't want to leave without taking all these children home with me.  They love so openly...and have lost so much.  There is so much pain that surrounds adoption...but the Joy and Love that surrounds it is unmatched...it's just God's fingers EVERYWHERE.

 

We Made It!!! Woo Hoo!

After two months of waiting to see Elora again...we finally made it back to Ethiopia.  This morning, we got to see her sweet face and amaze at how she has grown in two months.  Our sweet girl is rolling over, holding toys and giggling.  And she is finally starting to get hair!!! Woohoo!

Nairobi or Bust!

Ever since our paperwork has landed at the Embassy, I wake up each morning, jolt out of bed, and rush to my computer to see if there are any emails.  Since Ethiopia sleep time is our awake time, I often find myself stumbling downstairs at 3 in the morning to see if anything was sent. :-)

 I was able to spend Tuesday morning happy dancing around my kitchen when we received the miraculous news that Jason and Jessica, the couple submitted to embassy with us CLEARED.   In 6 short DAYS.  The investigation of the case itself is supposed to take WEEKS.  AND their case is an abandonment case...just like ours!  This just does NOT happen with abandonment cases right now!!  We were OVERJOYED for them.   And...then that joy also turned into a great big swirly lollipop of hope being dangled in front of us.  We had fasted and prayed together with Jason and Jessica all day before being submitted to the embassy...surely our happy dance time was coming!

I slept little Tuesday night...just waiting for my 3 AM email.  No such luck.

I slept even less Wednesday night....CERTAIN the email would be there this morning.  There WAS an email...but not the one I wanted.  As I read it...the first thing that popped out was "insufficient evidence" and the next was "Nairobi."

Alas, we have NOT cleared.  We will be sent to Nairobi for them to decide our fate.  To say that I wasn't disappointed, would be a lie.  I sooo badly want to go and get Elora.  I sooo desperately want to go to embassy with Jason and Jessica! 

But then Perspective hit...we are being sent to Nairobi after a mere 8 days!  Hallelujah!  There are cases that have been sitting at the embassy for weeks upon weeks and are ONLY now being processed.  A friend's case sat for 7 months!  He moved hearts of stone in Jason and Jessica's case...I have no doubt.  And He is doing the same in ours!  I know with assurance - I mean, REALLY, TRULY know -  that God's hands are on our case and that He is in control. 

I have been mulling over how to pray with Faith but not pray with  Assumptions alll week.  I always find it a struggle to "pray without ceasing" and believe that He can do "immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine" while at the same time, knowing that I may not really get the outcome I want. 

But after our news today...I think I understand it a little better.  All I know to do is keep petitioning the Throne every moment of the day for Elora to be home..and home quickly!  I believe that God is greater than Nairobi...greater than the Estimated Time It Will Take.  And even if the answer comes back in a way that I don't like I have His reassurance that He is in control.  That He is faithful.  That He cares for my baby...and she is precious to Him.  That He heard my request but His way and timing is always better for me.

This morning, right before receiving the embassy email, I went to read my devotions and instead, my Bible fell open to Psalm 72...the whole Psalm is about God's power over all the rulers of nations...and about His love and care for the needy and afflicted ones...  Guess what nation is specifically mentioned in that Psalm?  Sheba!  Or what is now known as Ethiopia!! :-)

In His Hands

Spending one week in Ethiopia...only one week...and you fall in a new kind of love. A how-did-life-exist-before kind of love. With a country. With a baby. You find out the exact shape of a face you only dreamed about. You trace the outline of cheekbones and smiles. You kiss sleepy eyes and a soft forehead.

You feel torn..because she is still not completely yours. And yet she feels like she is. You soak up her surroundings. A little red low-railing crib connected to many others. Multiple pairs of eyes peering up at you. The children capture your heart. The people capture your heart.

And your week goes by in a whirlwind. And on the final day...you find you have not stolen enough kisses from your sleeping baby to get you through the next 2 or 3 months. You have not caressed her fingers long enough to remember the exact feel of them. And yet...the Inevitable has come. You find yourself slowly dressing her in your favorite pjs that you bought for her. And you cuddle her during a final bottle. And you bundle her in a blanket that you brought specially for her. And you take a deep breath. And you walk back to her room. And you hand her to a nanny, explaining, “We are going back to America.” And they nod and smile and carefully place your precious baby girl in her crib next to all the other little ones. And they prop up her bottle and walk away. And then you walk away. But you cry silently, a thousand cries deep in your gut.

I was resolved to wait hopefully and prayerfully for our embassy appointment.  After all, things have started out so well...and we've had no reason to believe otherwise.  And yet somehow,  by Day 5 of waiting, my hopeful prayers had already started to be submerged under doubtful worries.   And then I heard my 2-year-old singing

"He's got the little bitty baby, in His Hands...He's got the Mommy and the Daddy, in His Hands...He's got the sisters all together in His Hands...He's got the whole world in His Hands..."

And I thought...Wow.  He does, doesn't He?

embassy submission!!!

Deep breath...we found out today that our paperwork has progressed faster than expected and will be submitted to the U.S. embassy on Wednesday morning!!  We are beyond excited as this has been what we have been praying about since we left Ethiopia.  We were anticipating the paperwork to take 6-8 weeks...and it has been 4 weeks!  The US embassy's acceptance and approval of our paperwork will be Elora's ticket HOME!!

We covet your prayers.  Things at the embassy can go in soo many ways right now.  What was once a simple process has turned upside down.  This is the part of the journey where we all hold our breath.  Some cases receive approval within weeks; others take months; many end up getting sent out of the country to Nairobi for further review.  Without the embassy's approval, our children are not allowed to come home. This is SUCH an agonizing time..

Our friend Julie, who has sent us many precious pictures of Elora, is in the midst of having her paperwork reviewed in Nairobi.  After waiting for her paperwork to be approved and spending weeks apart from her sweet Zaidee, she decided to return and is now staying at the Transition House with Zaidee...it's just so HARD to be away from them.

We are asking for prayer that our paperwork, Julie's paperwork in Nairobi, and Jason and Jessica's paperwork - the other couple in Ethiopia with us -all fall into the hands of someone with a soft heart and willing spirit.  We desperately long for Elora, Zaidee, and Joshua (their little boy) to be HOME. 

New picture of Elora that Julie sent me!

Joshua and me at the Transition House

                                                 

A New Picture!

Today, I checked my email to see a sweet surprise from a new friend in Ethiopia, Julie Jorgensen.  :-)  She took a picture of our precious girl and it melted my heart. 

One of the most amazing parts of this journey has been meeting others along the way.  We have been able to share heartbreaks and hope, tears and joy, breathless anticipation and miracles.  Julie is staying with her little girl Zaidee, who is the same age as Elora, at the Transition House until she and her husband pass Embassy and can bring Zaidee home for good.  Her beautiful daughter, Zaidee, shared her awesome hat with Elora!  Check out pictures of Zaidee - one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen - and follow her Mama's story at http://adam-julie.blogspot.com/

I miss my little girl and want her to come HOME!!!

Glimpses

Since returning home from Ethiopia, I keep trying to gather up the whole trip in my thoughts...but I fail every time.  Already, it all seems a bit surreal.  But I want to remember everything that I can about the home country of my daughter. 

Like how the dusty streets of Addis are home to people to numerous to count.  I close my eyes and I can see the poverty...EVERYWHERE.  Row after row of tiny shacks held together by pieces of corrugated metal.  I can hear the constant horns beeping, the donkeys braying, the people begging for food.  I remember a young mother, curled up in a ball in front of a small shop, eyes unseeing, one hand held out for money, the other protectively wrapped around her toddler.  The people milling everywhere above her, almost running over her and her son...and how he never left her side.  I see the elderly, lying in the dust..and wondering if they are dead or alive.  The lame, the disfigured, the scarred, the sick, the street children...they crowd every shop, every dusty street corner.

 

The children..the people...they amaze you and break your heart all in the same breath.  Never have I met people with such dignity, respect, kindness and determination.  And yet, they have been dealt disease, famine and economic devastation.  We were told about  the street children.  Many are as young as 2 and 3 years of age.  Their parents have died and there aren't any other family members.  They band together in groups and live on the streets, begging for food.  They will not be placed in an orphanage unless a parent or living relative actually brings them to the orphanage and relinquishes them personally.  Picture your two-year-old and 3-year-old, being forced to take care of each other because there is no one else to do it for them.  

These sweet children, enveloped us in shy waves, warm smiles, and pleas to have their pictures taken.  They gave hugs as readily as the sun shines and giggled endlessly over their pictures.  

You leave Ethiopia, wanting to take every child that you meet home with you. And you leave...so thankful for the policemen, family members and parents who brought your sweet child to an orphanage...to the place where God intersected your life with their own and you get the incredible privilege of becoming a mother/father/family. 

God is Good-byes...

We are in our last few hours here in Ethiopia and once again, we are soaking in Grace.  As many of you know, our last couple have days have had a little of the drama of new parenthood.  On day two here, we were only able to spend about 5 minutes with Elora before leaving to go sight seeing and we noticed that she seemed quieter than normal and had a nasty cough.  We were hoping to check on her when we got back, but it was very late and the nannies had put the little ones to bed.  On day three, we could tell that Elora was really not feeling good.  She was coughing a deep, racking cough and  pus was coming out her eyes.  She began throwing up all her bottles.  There were no more little coos, just a very sick little one.  It got worse on Day 4 and though we tried to talk to the nannies about it, the language barrier made it difficult.  Finally, in the evening of Day 4, the agency's Ethiopian director's wife stopped by.  She took one look at Elora for us and told the nannies to take her to the hospital.  Day 5, we were not able to see her, but found out she was diagnosed with pneumonia and was receiving injections every twelve hours.  Today, she went back to the hospital for a check-up and more shots.  This afternoon, she is back home and here with us.  For the first time, we got some smiles and coos out of her again. We were worried that we would not get to see her again before we left.  Not only have we gotten to see her, we are able to see glimpses of light come back to her sweet eyes. 

Thank you for all the prayers over this trip.  We have seen God's grace in every step...from passing court and receiving our MOWA letter to Elora being able to get much needed treatment.

Elora!!

We arrived in Addis on Saturday morning after a straight 13 hour flight.  The city was bustling and full of people.  Cars careen in all directions, putting New York City taxi drivers to shame.  We could barely contain our excitement as we spotted the transition house where we would be staying.  We had been warned that we would want to have our camera ready as soon as we got in the door, on the off chance that Elora would be there, waiting for us.  She wasn't...but as we greeted the others adoptive parents staying at the guest house, a tiny bundle was brought in behind our backs.  Suddenly the bundle, wrapped in a blue striped blanket, was thrust into my unsuspecting arms.  Wide brown eyes immediately locked eyes with me..and a coo and a smile came out of a tiny pink mouth.  Elora is a little miracle and has us totally smitten.  She has reminded me how TINY babies are..and how fun they are to cuddle.  She is happy nearly all the time (the first for a baby of mine!) and loves to coo.  

We can't seem to get enough time with her.  Our agency is very smart.  We have free access to our little ones throughout the day, but they try to take us on a lot of long day trips so that the children don't become too bonded to us (or us to them) so that leaving isn't as traumatic for them.  Ethiopia is full of beautiful, dignified amazing people who have been subjected to extreme poverty.  The middle class and upper class make up only about 3% of the population of Ethiopia.  Spending time here has been eye opening for us.  We have eaten in some beautiful resorts and hotels, which are located right now to countless rows of tiny shanties.   I cannot get over their beautiful spirits and kindness and generosity to us.

Today was court day...and today we have officially become the parents of 4 beautiful children.  From now on out, no matter what happens with the US embassy and her VISA, Elora is officially ours and our responsibility.  We were given our MOWA letters right at court (thank you for the prayers!) and so we can show her picture off everywhere now. :-)  So, being brand new proud parents - here are some more pictures of our sweet new addition.

Grace on March 2nd

Once, there was a couple who adopted a sweet, beautiful little girl from China.  They longed for her to have a sister...so they began the process again.  After crossing the land of paperwork for a year, they waited with great excitement for a phone call to come, telling them of another little girl.  They waited and waited and waited.  Two long years...and then they received news..but it was not the kind they were expecting.  The woman had been diagnosed with stage two breast cancer.  Their dreams of adopting were placed on the back burner as this couple braced themselves for a year of surgeries and treatments.  The woman DID get better...but she was told by China that she was no longer allowed to adopt the little girl she had dreamed about.  The couple tried to relinquish their desire for another child..but it was always there.

During this time of waiting, the couple opened their arms and home to a 16-year-old refugee from Burma.  She touched their lives in new and beautiful ways..and she wouldn't have entered their lives if they hadn't been waiting.  As they experienced life with both their girls, their desire to adopt intensified.  After many months of searching, this couple finally found an agency and country that was willing to work with the woman's cancer diagnosis.  In November of 2010, over 4 years after they had begun the adoption process, their paperwork was finally in Ethiopia.  Then...inexplicably...things slowed down for them again.   It wouldn't be until late into the following year...but finally, they were matched with a child. 

A little girl...with turned out feet. 

Here is the rest of their story in their own words, from their blog post:

We prayed fervently that God would fulfill our dreams of adopting again.  He answered this prayer with the referral of our beautiful daughter, Melat.  After meeting her in December, we were reminded yet again that God is so good and His plans are much better than ours.  As we say with all our daughters, we could have never dreamed of better children then the ones God has blessed us with.  God knew well before we ever meet what our family would be and He had his hands on our children, taking care of them in ways we never imagined before bringing them into our lives.

We are thrilled to report that on February 24 ^th we will be heading to Ethiopia to bring home our sweet Melat.  The wait the past couple of months has been the most difficult in all the years we have waited.    To hold your child and then have to leave her behind is unspeakable to us and we honestly don't know, other than by God's grace, how we did it.  Melat will be home with her forever family on March 2^nd, 2012.  It's been a long wait but God had a plan and we waited for Him to unite us with Melat.

Oh sweet grace.  The prayer that Anthony and I began praying last July has been answered: "Please let Melat be referred to a family who loves Jesus and who can best meet her needs."

Oh sweet joy.  God allowed us to find out what happened to our Melat....even though this dear family knows nothing about us.

Two families...two stories..each set out on their journey, longings laid open before God.  And God heard every anguished tear of both families.  And God took two families, rerouted their paths in ways they did not expect...and gave them both "immeasureably more than all they asked for or imagined."

In exactly one week,  on March 2nd, we will be flying to Ethiopia to meet Elora, our beautiful baby girl.  And on March 2nd, Melat will finally be flying home...to be with her Forever Family.

"Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus.."

What's In A Name

Dear Little Rekike,
Some days, while your sisters are sitting at the kitchen table, munching on pretzels and spooning yogurt into their mouths, they ask me to tell them the story of their names.  And so I tell them because I love their stories.  I always begin with Lilah. 

"When you were still inside me, tucked up in a little ball, Daddy would sing to you.  And one day, when he was singing a song called "Lyla," down close to my belly, the little ball that was you somersaulted over towards his voice.  He was so surprised, he stopped singing...but after that, no other name seemed to fit you as well as that one."

And I watch as a smile spreads across your sister's face.

I move on to Arabelle.  "When you were hidden in my belly, the doctors found a big boo-boo inside your head.  And they sent me to a hospital far away and they told me that you might not get better.  So EVERYONE began praying for you- day after day..and then, your boo-boo started to get smaller and smaller until there was nothing left...God had made you better!  And so we named you Arabelle which means `Answered prayer'."

And Arabelle's eyes light up.

At this point, I turn to Esme.  "Forever and always I loved the name Esme.  And when you were born, your Daddy and I had a different name picked out for you.  But as we held you close and looked into your eyes, suddenly that other name didn't seem to fit.  Esme means "loved" and that was what you were."

And Esme scrunches up her face in a grin.

But now, little Rekike, we don't stop with Esme.  Your sisters always ask me to tell another story.  It's the story of YOUR name..and it's their favorite.

"When I first heard your Ethiopian name, Rekike, I held my breath. It reminded me a lot of the nickname my friend always called me. Kiki.  I loved that God connected our names together from the beginning. We love your name..and now it was time to add our special names for you. Some names from US, your mommy and daddy. 

And so we named you, our bundle of hope, Elora Hartlee Rekike. Elora means `God is light.' We could think of no other name to better describe our journey to you. Hope shining in darkness. Forever and always, when I say your name on my lips, I will think of Psalm 36:9 `In Your light, we see light' and Isaiah 50:10 `Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.'

Hartlee twines its name around your Daddy's, since his middle name is Lee, and around Psalm 20:4. `May He give you the desire of your HEART and make all your plans succeed.'

So you, little Elora Hartlee Rekike, remind us of God's light shining forth. You have stolen our hearts and you are what we desire."

Right now, I don't get to see your face as I tell you your story.  But in 25 days, we are going to come and meet you. And I will whisper the story of your name and our journey to you in your ear...and even though you won't understand it now...someday you will.  And until then, I will hold you as close as can be for as long as they let me...

Hope. Hope. Hope.

What I have become so fearful of these last days is that our story - our failed adoption - will make others afraid to adopt.  We have become That Family.  The family whose fairy tale ending got ripped to shreds. 

Well...the truth is, I would do this all again in an heartbeat.  Every part of it.  Even the gut-wrenching, sobbing, heart-ripped-out-of-my-chest part of it that was our failed referral. 

The day after Christmas was awful.  A darkness settled in my soul that just wouldn't leave.  I felt overwhelmingly sad and overwhelmingly discouraged.  I felt like we didn't get Callyrose because I wasn't going to be a good enough adoptive mother, maybe I was already in over my head with the 3 kids I have, maybe I just wasn't perfect enough or have enough time to devote to a new child...maybe God knew I would fail miserably at this task.

I spilled out my feelings to my dear friend, Christina...who promptly told me that I was crazy and that those thoughts were not thoughts from our Heavenly Father.  She  gently reminded me of why we had decided to pursue adoption and then referred me to this blog about spiritual warfare and adoption.  Now, I am not a big attributing-every-bad-thing-that-happens-to-demons-attacking kind of girl...but this blog...oh this blog.  It literally echoed my fears almost word for word.  It reminded me that we have a very real Enemy who does not want to see  "the fatherless placed in families and the Church telling the fatherless about Christ."  If you are in the process of adoption and feel like waves of discouragement keep washing over your head, please read it.

Hope began to creep back in.  The next day...it was literally handed to me in the gift of a pair of earrings and a canvas, both spelling the word "hope" in Amharic, the official language of Ethiopia. 

 
And as I spent more and more time reading the Bible, I became reminded time and time again of 3 things: 1) God is the Defender of the fatherless and loves them 2) God loves me and is greater than any enemy along this adoption journey 3) my plans are not always God's plans...and thank goodness for that.  His adoption journey for me and for Callyrose is soo much better than what I had planned. Verses began to leap out left and right:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

"`For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him." Isaiah 64:4

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5,6

The darkness lifted and this is what I saw:  I have had the amazing experience of loving a child half a world away...and being used in her life for a short time until her Forever Family entered her life.  I am not trying to gloss over the pain.  But if you are going to experience pain...let it be this kind:  The kind that can rejoice because a child's arms will hug a mother's neck for the first time...and I can be confident that Callyrose is with the mother God had planned for her.

And we get to experience the joy of loving another little one again...this time, Lord willing, the one He has planned to be a part of our family.  And if not, she will become part of our story, part of our journey to whomever He has planned for us.

We have asked our agency for another referral.  My plan was to write this in between...to tell of all the amazing things God has been showing us as we wait.  But this afternoon, before I had a chance to write, I got a call from our agency....about a 3-month-old little girl, found abandoned in the sand at birth, who weighed only 5 lbs when she was a month-and-a-half old...OUR little girl.  She was born October 8th..well after our referral for Callyrose.  We would have never had her if we hadn't had Callyrose first.  God's ways are definitely not my ways...and I am happy about that. ;-)

A Village

They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I am discovering that it takes a village to help you get through the loss of a child too.

The other day, through a blog, we were able to discover that Callyrose will be placed with a very loving family who have two little girls already.  We saw pictures of her smiling and cuddling with them...she looked so happy.  And they looked overjoyed.  The bittersweet part was that Callyrose was wearing the dress that I had bought her.  We rejoice that she is with this family - it is what we have prayed about from the beginning - but since having to give up Callyrose, Anthony and I have grappled with how quickly we have been deleted from her life.  Callyrose and her new family will never know that another family gave her that dress and doll and loved her for months on end.  They will never know how much we wanted (want) her.  Life has begun for them and this stage has ended for us.

Every time I want to curl up in a ball of being forgotten, God has reminded me that I am not.  Through His people all around me.  Through our church who has prayed for us and cried for us.  Through phone calls and emails and hugs.  This week, I received two precious gifts that will forever be reminders of God's grace amidst heartbreak.  The first was a beautiful box. 

It is a memory box, lovingly decorated, that we can fill with all the precious things we had planned to give Callyrose.  Inside is a journal and place to put little keepsakes and pictures.  There is also a beautiful blue bottle with a note:

Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book." 

The note goes on to say, "This verse..says that God collects our tears.  He doesn't wipe them away, brush them aside, or tell us to stop crying.  He sees them fall.  He collects each one and records each one because they are significant to Him.  Our tears mean something to the God of the universe...He will heal.  He will redeem.  He will restore.  He will never leave you."

The second was a beautiful candle set:

The candles remind me of God at work in our lives, purifying us.  They remind me of going through fiery times.  They remind me of Christ's sacrifice for me and they remind me of hope burning bright.

I am so grateful for the people who have stepped out of their way to comfort us and help us through this time.  I now understand more about the Body of Christ and what being part of His Body means. 

These two visible reminders came right when I needed them most.  They remind me that our time with Callyrose does not need to be brushed aside and forgotten.  They also point me to the One who holds my future.

The friend who gave me the box also left me this note: "Callyrose was a very real and special part of your family.  She will always be part of you, carried in your heart.  While you were not able to meet her face to face, she has forever changed your life.  While you were not able to touch her, she touched your heart and softened it sweetly.  While you were not able to feel the warmth of her breath, she breathed a new kind of passion into your soul.  In my simple human wisdom, I cannot understand why she was not a part of your family longer, but I do know that we are all better people for having known her, for having prayed for her, for having loved her.  Her time in your family was too short but her impact was and will forever be irreplaceable."

Joy

Dear Callyrose,
The past two weeks have been topsy-turvy as we have tried every possible avenue to get you home to us.  Just two days ago, our caseworker told us that they would be willing to jump through any hoops and do any amount of fighting necessary to help you pass courts and the US embassy.  Then yesterday, it all came to a halt.  On a day that was supposed to be filled with good news for us because the judge decided to reopen court and approve our ammendment for you...came unexpected loss. 

Our agency was in court with another family when they ran into YOUR social worker...and another family...and our agency found out that the family was there for YOU.  The orphanage, months ago, had promised you to two families by mistake...ours and your new family.  They had been covering it up for months.  Neither of us knew about the other...and the other family has already passed court with you...so you are theirs.

Months ago, when we first learned about you, before we even had your referral officially in our hand, we prayed that you would be referred to the BEST family for you.  And so we HAVE to believe that this is the best family for you...although I can't imagine more awesome sisters than the ones you would have had with us. ;-)  I am so thankful that you, who had no family, have been able to have two families love you for the past 5 months.  And we - along with so many other friends and family - have been able to cover you in prayers and thoughts.  We love you Callyrose and we are so excited that you get to go home..that you get to belong to a family.  And though you will never, ever get to read all these letters we have written you or know how much you and Arabelle's smiles resemble each other's - we will know and we will be able to keep you in our heart and bathe you in prayer..even if we are never actually together on this earth.

Adoption is not without heartache and grief.  Adoption is a risky road to travel down.  But adoption is not about us - the parents adopting - it's about children.  Children who have lost their families.  It's a road worth taking because THEY need US to walk it.  Today, there is joy for Callyrose and that is what we prayed about all along.

Heartbreak and Hope

About an hour ago, my husband texted me to let me know that our agency is working on an update on our case for us.  This last hour has crept by at a miniscule rate and at the same time, the hard knot and sick feeling in my stomach is threatening to engulf me.  2 days ago, we were stunned to learn that our sweet girl may not be able to come home from Ethiopia due to paperwork.  Her hometown region has stopped processing all adoptions and our case cannot move along unless a judge from that region approves it.  We are still in disbelief and shock.  We were anticipating many road bumps ahead...but not one this soon and one we cannot even begin to fight.

Our first reaction was disbelief..and then devastation.  It probably doesn't make sense, but we have prayed and planned for Callyrose for 5 months.  We kiss her sweet smile at night, we tuck our girls into bed with prayers for her.  She sprinkles every conversation we hold and is in almost every thought we have...just like our 3 other daughters.  The day we found out, Anthony had ordered a camera card in anticipation of our trip to meet her and I had been browsing the dollar aisle at Target, finding tiny treasures to give her.  One phone call and our world has halted - instead of preparing to board a plane in a couple of weeks, we may have to prepare ourselves to either lose our child entirely or wait for a very.long.time.

I have walked around with this cold, hard knot in my stomach since The Phone Call.  The last time I felt this way was at a 20 week ultrasound for our middle daughter, hearing that she had a large tumor in her brain.  I always hoped I would never feel this way again...the feeling of uncertainty and fear...knowing that there was a very likely possibility that things could turn out very badly. 

Here's what I have discovered in the last 48 hours:  deciding to adopt has been the best decision Anthony and i have ever made..I love this little girl as much as I love my 3 other children.  No matter what happens, for the past 5 months we have gotten to bathe this little girl in prayer and pass her picture out to hundreds of people, asking them to bathe her also in prayer.  She has been stared at everyday, talked about by her sisters and LOVED.  And no matter what, I know that is what her mother was hoping for when she gave her up.  Even if Callyrose never gets to physically be a part of a family because of paperwork..we will ALWAYS be her family.  We will wait for her, pray for her, dream about her.  When we learned about Callyrose, before we ever got her referral, we prayed that if this was the little girl for us, that God would let her be referred to us.  When we got her referral and had no money to pay for it, we prayed that if this little girl would thrive with us, that the money would be supplied.  God has brought this girl into our lives for a reason...I beg with all my heart that it is to be with us, to come home.

The other thing that I have discovered is that when hard things happen in my life, I tend to run everywhere but God for love.  Oh, I pray for His comfort, search the Bible for His wisdom...but I look to people for love.  It's because, deep down, I am still hurting that He "allowed" this to happen to me.  Even though I KNOW He holds my future and is perfect in His wisdom and plan.  For the last hour, while I have waited for our caseworker to tell us whether or not this is the end of the road, I have had the song "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus," a song we often sing at church, on repeat.  Trying to remind myself that His love is is vast beyond all measure.

As I was writing this...I got this text: "Do not fear for I have redeemed you.  I have called you by name, and you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus...

Loved

Two nights ago, while sipping peppermint hot chocolate and a mocha latte at Starbucks, my dear friend quietly handed me one of those gifts of a lifetime...for you Callyrose.  It was a book..lovingly crafted, hand made.

Inside, when I opened it, were pages that looked like this:

Each page, had a label of someone you will know very well, with a place to put their picture and with their name written not only in English, but also in your given language of Amharic. 

So that after we visit you, when we are forced to say goodbye for a couple of weeks or months, you will be able to look through this and get to know us.  Hopefully, someone will read the names to you in the language you can understand so you won't forget.

you are so loved.   Already.  By so many.  By all your mama's friends - who listen to me talk about you day and night, by your Daddy's co-workers where he constantly shows off your picture, by your sisters who draw your face at school during art classes, by your church who prays for you, by your neighbors who ask about you...by your grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts.  They have all poured their money, hearts and prayers into helping us get you home. 

I don't know if there is a window in your room...but if there is and you look out it at night...all those stars that you can count from that little window...are like all the prayers and love that are going up for you daily, from another side of the world.  Lights of love amidst the darkness of loneliness telling you "you belong, you belong, you belong."

Pieces of Callyrose

On Saturday, Chad and Christina brought sweet, beautiful Ruby home from Ethiopia..and they also brought precious pieces of Callyrose to us too.  They brought us pictures and stories...we learned that she is shy, but with enough coaxing, lights up with eyes bright and smiles sweet.  We discovered that she is a girlie girl who LOVED the tulle dress we sent for her - feeling it with her fingers and swaying proudly in it when put on her.  She is a bundle of cuddles who clutched the little doll, blanket and ball we sent tightly to her chest.   We have combed over the pictures they took - finding with delight that her smile mirrors that of Arabelle's.  Realizing that she is a peanut in size and stature and... that she.is.just.perfect.in.every.way.  These moments that they spent with her mean so much in an adoption world where such little information is ever given.

 Before, she was my little girl in my head and heart and by a picture sent to me from my agency.  I knew nothing about her personality, her person...just that she was ours and that we loved her.  Now, I have bits and pieces...now I can picture her smile and know that it is brought on by wearing princess dresses.  I look at her holding her baby doll tightly and can envision her sitting in our living room, with her sisters, feeding pretend babies with pretend baby bottles. 

We know that we will meet our little girl at some point...but it was such a gift to get to know her just a little.  (Thank you Chad and Christina!!)  And it caused such an ache in our hearts.  I long for her...more than I ever thought possible.  We have had no news on our paperwork.  Our agency is doing everything they can but the paperwork is just not moving forward like it should.  And so we continue to wait, pray and hope. 

This morning I read James 1 and the words leapt from the page: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."   I have read this verse many times before and I am ashamed to admit that my main thought was: "I am not sure that having my faith grow is worth going through a trial."  But the commentary I was reading made me look at this verse differently.

"Faith is tested through trials, not produced by trials. Trials reveal what faith we do have, not because God doesn’t know how much faith we have, but to make our faith evident to ourselves and those around us."  (enduringword.com)

Evident to ourselves and those around us.  I have witnessed this faith in Chad and Christina.  In Matt and Noelle.  In Ryan and Jenna.  In Keri and in Alanna...the list goes on and on.  Their faith has encouraged me and has challenged me.  And so I will keep their perseverance at the front of my mind as we wait. 

Ruby's Homecoming

Today was a day when a hundred faces widened in a smile and eyes shined a little brighter.  It's a day of Hope Fulfilled for a family...and for all the people who have been praying for Ruby to come home.  It came out of the blue - miraculously, with no explanation for the change of heart.  After being denied by the US embassy for weeks now, inexplicably, the embassy granted Ruby's parents their case..and their little girl will be home by next week.  How amazing and wondrous God is. 

So often adoption feels to me like trying to climb up the icy side of a mountain and not even knowing what the top of that mountain will bring.  You wade through paperwork and finances and fears and right when you think everything may begin to get easier, something happens that knocks the breath out of you.  And you fall down the slope and start trying to climb up again.   I took that backwards slide recently.   I thought that by now we would be meeting our little girl for the first time ...but things don't go according to my perfectly planned plan.  Our paperwork is held up at a regional judge's office somewhere in Ethiopia and so we are still waiting...and up until today I had no news as to how long we would be waiting.  I only have Callyrose's picture staring at me from my kitchen windowsill and 3 little voices asking me when their sister is coming home.

I've wanted to wallow in my disappointment and I have...but the truth is, I have too many other adoptive parents surrounding me with their own slippery slopes...and their great Faith in a God who carries us through our hurts, failed plans and seemingly uncatchable dreams.  These families are a testimony to me - Ruby's family is a testimony to me - they believe that God cares for "the fatherless" and that He can do "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine."  On their bleakest days, when they feel like they have no belief left in them, their faith is most evident as they are still turning to God and crying out for Him to help them hold on. 

Today, we found out that we just need this regional judge to pass our case and then it will be submitted to the Ethiopian court hopefully within the same day.  If that happens, we should be traveling two-three weeks from that point.  So maybe we will get to meet our little girl by Thanksgiving or shortly thereafter.  In the meantime, I get to send a care package to her with Ruby's parents.  And they are going to hug her and shower her with kisses and love from us.  Recently, Ruby's mom gave me a book for Callyrose.  It makes me cry everytime I read it:

Wherever You Are

I wanted you more than you will ever know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it.  It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.  My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you.  My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...or playing...or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til your dizzy...paint 'til your blue...
There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

Just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of the sea...in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...
"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide, and so deep,
it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...
and my love will find you wherever you are.

-Nancy Tillman


SO thankful today for Hope Fulfilled.  For a beautiful little girl getting to come home and the light her story will bring to so many!

Ruby

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little girl who was worth far more than any precious stone...and her name was Ruby.  And she was from the same orphanage as another certain little girl named Callyrose.  And both girls were waiting...and waiting...for their forever families to come and take them home.  One amazing, wondrous week in July, the wait seemed almost over for Ruby.  She was thrust into the arms of two utterly excited, crying people that she had never met before...but would soon know forever.  And they had kind eyes and trust worthy smiles and full hearts...and for an amazing, wondrous week...she was with her new mommy and daddy.  And they coaxed her to smile and play and laugh...and they LOVED her.  And she knew - and they knew- that they wouldn't be allowed to take her home quite yet...but that it would be SOON.  The mommy was promised "soon" ...the Daddy was promised "soon" and Ruby was promised "soon." 

"Soon" should have been a couple weeks...but a couple weeks turned into a month..and then more weeks.  All the people that were supposed to be helping Ruby and her mommy and her daddy weren't helping.  And so Ruby waited...and her Mommy and her Daddy waited..and they had a REALLY hard time waiting.

WAITING is the hardest part of the adoption process and the hardest part of life in general.  A myriad of faces just cringed as the word "WAIT" was uttered.  A lot are in the adoption process, waiting for their baby's picture to flash onto a computer screen, waiting for a phone call to tell them that it's time "to go," waiting to see if their paperwork and finances come together.  Others aren't in the adoption process, but are waiting for good news from the doctor, to hear back about a job interview, waiting for pregnancy to occur.  So many...waiting.

This morning, I was reminded once again that waiting is a big part of how God seems to work.  Noah, building an ark, waiting 120 years for a flood to come.  Sarah, Elizabeth, Hannah...waiting for a baby to fill their arms.  The Jewish people...waiting for their Messiah.  We, as believers, waiting for Jesus' return.  We wait...and wait...and wait.  Waiting eventually whittles down to utter powerlessness on our behalf - we have done all we can, and can do no more...and then it's just Waiting.  BUT...in the Bible...all of those waits turned into a fantastic display of God's love, power and grace.  Rainbows, Isaac, John the Baptist, Samuel, JESUS CHRIST...all out of the wait.

And so we wait..and wait..because it IS worth the wait.  And we wait on a God who is amazing and kind and has perfect timing even when we can't see it or understand it.  "I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember Your wonderful deeds of long ago."  (Psalm  77:11).   Ruby is waiting...and her Mommy and Daddy are waiting...and we are all waiting...for our Helper.

Tomorrow, Wednesday morning, is a key morning in Ruby's wait.  She and her parents are waiting for their paperwork to be submitted to the US Embassy - and the past 6 Wednesdays, it hasn't been submitted. Please pray for Ruby and her parents in the next 24 hours.  "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my Hope."   Psalm 130:5.

My God is So Big

Last Saturday, I had to take Arabelle to meet her preschool teachers for the first time.  Arabelle has been talking about going to school nonstop for the past six months.  She's been wearing her pink ladybug backpack everyday; she has woken up each morning, begging for THIS day to be the day school begins.  Saturday morning, she was so excited... and I was waiting...waiting for the terror to hit.  She lasted longer than I thought; all the way up until we walked into her classroom.  And then...the eyes started to well up with tears, the shaking began...and by the time we left the building, I had a completely hysterical child.  She wailed and sobbed and shuddered...and no matter what I did, I couldn't get her to calm down...and I thought Wow, Monday is going to be tough.

 Come Monday morning, I woke up with this thought:  I pray to a God who puts kings in power, topples governments, controls the sky and sea...and He cares about EVERYTHING...even a 3-year-old's fear of preschool.  There are men in government right now, praying to God to change the direction their country is headed in..and yet, in that same moment,  I can  be bowing my head in prayer that my 3-year-old isn't too scared today to do something that she's wanted to do for a long time...go to school.  All morning I prayed, and Arabelle walked into that class (albiet reluctantly) without shedding a tear.

It all may seem silly...but it's how I tend to view our adoption.  We wanted to adopt and couldn't stop praying, dreaming and hoping about it for months and months.  But when the time came to enter the unfamiliar landscape of financial strain, another country's whimsy, mounds of paperwork, etc, I felt hysterical a lot of the time and spent the other part in quiet, but frantic worry.  But ....why?  I serve a God who can provide so much more than all the money in the world can provide, a God who can change the course of a country's history in a single breath...and a God who cares about an alone, 2-year-old girl in Ethiopia.  My girls have been walking around our house lately singing that Sunday School song "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God can not do...for you."  It's soo easy to sing that song...and sooo easy to forget the impact it could have on our daily life - our peace of mind - if we truly believed it.