Hope. Hope. Hope.

What I have become so fearful of these last days is that our story - our failed adoption - will make others afraid to adopt.  We have become That Family.  The family whose fairy tale ending got ripped to shreds. 

Well...the truth is, I would do this all again in an heartbeat.  Every part of it.  Even the gut-wrenching, sobbing, heart-ripped-out-of-my-chest part of it that was our failed referral. 

The day after Christmas was awful.  A darkness settled in my soul that just wouldn't leave.  I felt overwhelmingly sad and overwhelmingly discouraged.  I felt like we didn't get Callyrose because I wasn't going to be a good enough adoptive mother, maybe I was already in over my head with the 3 kids I have, maybe I just wasn't perfect enough or have enough time to devote to a new child...maybe God knew I would fail miserably at this task.

I spilled out my feelings to my dear friend, Christina...who promptly told me that I was crazy and that those thoughts were not thoughts from our Heavenly Father.  She  gently reminded me of why we had decided to pursue adoption and then referred me to this blog about spiritual warfare and adoption.  Now, I am not a big attributing-every-bad-thing-that-happens-to-demons-attacking kind of girl...but this blog...oh this blog.  It literally echoed my fears almost word for word.  It reminded me that we have a very real Enemy who does not want to see  "the fatherless placed in families and the Church telling the fatherless about Christ."  If you are in the process of adoption and feel like waves of discouragement keep washing over your head, please read it.

Hope began to creep back in.  The next day...it was literally handed to me in the gift of a pair of earrings and a canvas, both spelling the word "hope" in Amharic, the official language of Ethiopia. 

 
And as I spent more and more time reading the Bible, I became reminded time and time again of 3 things: 1) God is the Defender of the fatherless and loves them 2) God loves me and is greater than any enemy along this adoption journey 3) my plans are not always God's plans...and thank goodness for that.  His adoption journey for me and for Callyrose is soo much better than what I had planned. Verses began to leap out left and right:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

"`For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him." Isaiah 64:4

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5,6

The darkness lifted and this is what I saw:  I have had the amazing experience of loving a child half a world away...and being used in her life for a short time until her Forever Family entered her life.  I am not trying to gloss over the pain.  But if you are going to experience pain...let it be this kind:  The kind that can rejoice because a child's arms will hug a mother's neck for the first time...and I can be confident that Callyrose is with the mother God had planned for her.

And we get to experience the joy of loving another little one again...this time, Lord willing, the one He has planned to be a part of our family.  And if not, she will become part of our story, part of our journey to whomever He has planned for us.

We have asked our agency for another referral.  My plan was to write this in between...to tell of all the amazing things God has been showing us as we wait.  But this afternoon, before I had a chance to write, I got a call from our agency....about a 3-month-old little girl, found abandoned in the sand at birth, who weighed only 5 lbs when she was a month-and-a-half old...OUR little girl.  She was born October 8th..well after our referral for Callyrose.  We would have never had her if we hadn't had Callyrose first.  God's ways are definitely not my ways...and I am happy about that. ;-)

A Village

They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I am discovering that it takes a village to help you get through the loss of a child too.

The other day, through a blog, we were able to discover that Callyrose will be placed with a very loving family who have two little girls already.  We saw pictures of her smiling and cuddling with them...she looked so happy.  And they looked overjoyed.  The bittersweet part was that Callyrose was wearing the dress that I had bought her.  We rejoice that she is with this family - it is what we have prayed about from the beginning - but since having to give up Callyrose, Anthony and I have grappled with how quickly we have been deleted from her life.  Callyrose and her new family will never know that another family gave her that dress and doll and loved her for months on end.  They will never know how much we wanted (want) her.  Life has begun for them and this stage has ended for us.

Every time I want to curl up in a ball of being forgotten, God has reminded me that I am not.  Through His people all around me.  Through our church who has prayed for us and cried for us.  Through phone calls and emails and hugs.  This week, I received two precious gifts that will forever be reminders of God's grace amidst heartbreak.  The first was a beautiful box. 

It is a memory box, lovingly decorated, that we can fill with all the precious things we had planned to give Callyrose.  Inside is a journal and place to put little keepsakes and pictures.  There is also a beautiful blue bottle with a note:

Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book." 

The note goes on to say, "This verse..says that God collects our tears.  He doesn't wipe them away, brush them aside, or tell us to stop crying.  He sees them fall.  He collects each one and records each one because they are significant to Him.  Our tears mean something to the God of the universe...He will heal.  He will redeem.  He will restore.  He will never leave you."

The second was a beautiful candle set:

The candles remind me of God at work in our lives, purifying us.  They remind me of going through fiery times.  They remind me of Christ's sacrifice for me and they remind me of hope burning bright.

I am so grateful for the people who have stepped out of their way to comfort us and help us through this time.  I now understand more about the Body of Christ and what being part of His Body means. 

These two visible reminders came right when I needed them most.  They remind me that our time with Callyrose does not need to be brushed aside and forgotten.  They also point me to the One who holds my future.

The friend who gave me the box also left me this note: "Callyrose was a very real and special part of your family.  She will always be part of you, carried in your heart.  While you were not able to meet her face to face, she has forever changed your life.  While you were not able to touch her, she touched your heart and softened it sweetly.  While you were not able to feel the warmth of her breath, she breathed a new kind of passion into your soul.  In my simple human wisdom, I cannot understand why she was not a part of your family longer, but I do know that we are all better people for having known her, for having prayed for her, for having loved her.  Her time in your family was too short but her impact was and will forever be irreplaceable."

Joy

Dear Callyrose,
The past two weeks have been topsy-turvy as we have tried every possible avenue to get you home to us.  Just two days ago, our caseworker told us that they would be willing to jump through any hoops and do any amount of fighting necessary to help you pass courts and the US embassy.  Then yesterday, it all came to a halt.  On a day that was supposed to be filled with good news for us because the judge decided to reopen court and approve our ammendment for you...came unexpected loss. 

Our agency was in court with another family when they ran into YOUR social worker...and another family...and our agency found out that the family was there for YOU.  The orphanage, months ago, had promised you to two families by mistake...ours and your new family.  They had been covering it up for months.  Neither of us knew about the other...and the other family has already passed court with you...so you are theirs.

Months ago, when we first learned about you, before we even had your referral officially in our hand, we prayed that you would be referred to the BEST family for you.  And so we HAVE to believe that this is the best family for you...although I can't imagine more awesome sisters than the ones you would have had with us. ;-)  I am so thankful that you, who had no family, have been able to have two families love you for the past 5 months.  And we - along with so many other friends and family - have been able to cover you in prayers and thoughts.  We love you Callyrose and we are so excited that you get to go home..that you get to belong to a family.  And though you will never, ever get to read all these letters we have written you or know how much you and Arabelle's smiles resemble each other's - we will know and we will be able to keep you in our heart and bathe you in prayer..even if we are never actually together on this earth.

Adoption is not without heartache and grief.  Adoption is a risky road to travel down.  But adoption is not about us - the parents adopting - it's about children.  Children who have lost their families.  It's a road worth taking because THEY need US to walk it.  Today, there is joy for Callyrose and that is what we prayed about all along.

Heartbreak and Hope

About an hour ago, my husband texted me to let me know that our agency is working on an update on our case for us.  This last hour has crept by at a miniscule rate and at the same time, the hard knot and sick feeling in my stomach is threatening to engulf me.  2 days ago, we were stunned to learn that our sweet girl may not be able to come home from Ethiopia due to paperwork.  Her hometown region has stopped processing all adoptions and our case cannot move along unless a judge from that region approves it.  We are still in disbelief and shock.  We were anticipating many road bumps ahead...but not one this soon and one we cannot even begin to fight.

Our first reaction was disbelief..and then devastation.  It probably doesn't make sense, but we have prayed and planned for Callyrose for 5 months.  We kiss her sweet smile at night, we tuck our girls into bed with prayers for her.  She sprinkles every conversation we hold and is in almost every thought we have...just like our 3 other daughters.  The day we found out, Anthony had ordered a camera card in anticipation of our trip to meet her and I had been browsing the dollar aisle at Target, finding tiny treasures to give her.  One phone call and our world has halted - instead of preparing to board a plane in a couple of weeks, we may have to prepare ourselves to either lose our child entirely or wait for a very.long.time.

I have walked around with this cold, hard knot in my stomach since The Phone Call.  The last time I felt this way was at a 20 week ultrasound for our middle daughter, hearing that she had a large tumor in her brain.  I always hoped I would never feel this way again...the feeling of uncertainty and fear...knowing that there was a very likely possibility that things could turn out very badly. 

Here's what I have discovered in the last 48 hours:  deciding to adopt has been the best decision Anthony and i have ever made..I love this little girl as much as I love my 3 other children.  No matter what happens, for the past 5 months we have gotten to bathe this little girl in prayer and pass her picture out to hundreds of people, asking them to bathe her also in prayer.  She has been stared at everyday, talked about by her sisters and LOVED.  And no matter what, I know that is what her mother was hoping for when she gave her up.  Even if Callyrose never gets to physically be a part of a family because of paperwork..we will ALWAYS be her family.  We will wait for her, pray for her, dream about her.  When we learned about Callyrose, before we ever got her referral, we prayed that if this was the little girl for us, that God would let her be referred to us.  When we got her referral and had no money to pay for it, we prayed that if this little girl would thrive with us, that the money would be supplied.  God has brought this girl into our lives for a reason...I beg with all my heart that it is to be with us, to come home.

The other thing that I have discovered is that when hard things happen in my life, I tend to run everywhere but God for love.  Oh, I pray for His comfort, search the Bible for His wisdom...but I look to people for love.  It's because, deep down, I am still hurting that He "allowed" this to happen to me.  Even though I KNOW He holds my future and is perfect in His wisdom and plan.  For the last hour, while I have waited for our caseworker to tell us whether or not this is the end of the road, I have had the song "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus," a song we often sing at church, on repeat.  Trying to remind myself that His love is is vast beyond all measure.

As I was writing this...I got this text: "Do not fear for I have redeemed you.  I have called you by name, and you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus...

Loved

Two nights ago, while sipping peppermint hot chocolate and a mocha latte at Starbucks, my dear friend quietly handed me one of those gifts of a lifetime...for you Callyrose.  It was a book..lovingly crafted, hand made.

Inside, when I opened it, were pages that looked like this:

Each page, had a label of someone you will know very well, with a place to put their picture and with their name written not only in English, but also in your given language of Amharic. 

So that after we visit you, when we are forced to say goodbye for a couple of weeks or months, you will be able to look through this and get to know us.  Hopefully, someone will read the names to you in the language you can understand so you won't forget.

you are so loved.   Already.  By so many.  By all your mama's friends - who listen to me talk about you day and night, by your Daddy's co-workers where he constantly shows off your picture, by your sisters who draw your face at school during art classes, by your church who prays for you, by your neighbors who ask about you...by your grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts.  They have all poured their money, hearts and prayers into helping us get you home. 

I don't know if there is a window in your room...but if there is and you look out it at night...all those stars that you can count from that little window...are like all the prayers and love that are going up for you daily, from another side of the world.  Lights of love amidst the darkness of loneliness telling you "you belong, you belong, you belong."

Pieces of Callyrose

On Saturday, Chad and Christina brought sweet, beautiful Ruby home from Ethiopia..and they also brought precious pieces of Callyrose to us too.  They brought us pictures and stories...we learned that she is shy, but with enough coaxing, lights up with eyes bright and smiles sweet.  We discovered that she is a girlie girl who LOVED the tulle dress we sent for her - feeling it with her fingers and swaying proudly in it when put on her.  She is a bundle of cuddles who clutched the little doll, blanket and ball we sent tightly to her chest.   We have combed over the pictures they took - finding with delight that her smile mirrors that of Arabelle's.  Realizing that she is a peanut in size and stature and... that she.is.just.perfect.in.every.way.  These moments that they spent with her mean so much in an adoption world where such little information is ever given.

 Before, she was my little girl in my head and heart and by a picture sent to me from my agency.  I knew nothing about her personality, her person...just that she was ours and that we loved her.  Now, I have bits and pieces...now I can picture her smile and know that it is brought on by wearing princess dresses.  I look at her holding her baby doll tightly and can envision her sitting in our living room, with her sisters, feeding pretend babies with pretend baby bottles. 

We know that we will meet our little girl at some point...but it was such a gift to get to know her just a little.  (Thank you Chad and Christina!!)  And it caused such an ache in our hearts.  I long for her...more than I ever thought possible.  We have had no news on our paperwork.  Our agency is doing everything they can but the paperwork is just not moving forward like it should.  And so we continue to wait, pray and hope. 

This morning I read James 1 and the words leapt from the page: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."   I have read this verse many times before and I am ashamed to admit that my main thought was: "I am not sure that having my faith grow is worth going through a trial."  But the commentary I was reading made me look at this verse differently.

"Faith is tested through trials, not produced by trials. Trials reveal what faith we do have, not because God doesn’t know how much faith we have, but to make our faith evident to ourselves and those around us."  (enduringword.com)

Evident to ourselves and those around us.  I have witnessed this faith in Chad and Christina.  In Matt and Noelle.  In Ryan and Jenna.  In Keri and in Alanna...the list goes on and on.  Their faith has encouraged me and has challenged me.  And so I will keep their perseverance at the front of my mind as we wait. 

Ruby's Homecoming

Today was a day when a hundred faces widened in a smile and eyes shined a little brighter.  It's a day of Hope Fulfilled for a family...and for all the people who have been praying for Ruby to come home.  It came out of the blue - miraculously, with no explanation for the change of heart.  After being denied by the US embassy for weeks now, inexplicably, the embassy granted Ruby's parents their case..and their little girl will be home by next week.  How amazing and wondrous God is. 

So often adoption feels to me like trying to climb up the icy side of a mountain and not even knowing what the top of that mountain will bring.  You wade through paperwork and finances and fears and right when you think everything may begin to get easier, something happens that knocks the breath out of you.  And you fall down the slope and start trying to climb up again.   I took that backwards slide recently.   I thought that by now we would be meeting our little girl for the first time ...but things don't go according to my perfectly planned plan.  Our paperwork is held up at a regional judge's office somewhere in Ethiopia and so we are still waiting...and up until today I had no news as to how long we would be waiting.  I only have Callyrose's picture staring at me from my kitchen windowsill and 3 little voices asking me when their sister is coming home.

I've wanted to wallow in my disappointment and I have...but the truth is, I have too many other adoptive parents surrounding me with their own slippery slopes...and their great Faith in a God who carries us through our hurts, failed plans and seemingly uncatchable dreams.  These families are a testimony to me - Ruby's family is a testimony to me - they believe that God cares for "the fatherless" and that He can do "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine."  On their bleakest days, when they feel like they have no belief left in them, their faith is most evident as they are still turning to God and crying out for Him to help them hold on. 

Today, we found out that we just need this regional judge to pass our case and then it will be submitted to the Ethiopian court hopefully within the same day.  If that happens, we should be traveling two-three weeks from that point.  So maybe we will get to meet our little girl by Thanksgiving or shortly thereafter.  In the meantime, I get to send a care package to her with Ruby's parents.  And they are going to hug her and shower her with kisses and love from us.  Recently, Ruby's mom gave me a book for Callyrose.  It makes me cry everytime I read it:

Wherever You Are

I wanted you more than you will ever know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it.  It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.  My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you.  My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...or playing...or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til your dizzy...paint 'til your blue...
There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

Just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of the sea...in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...
"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide, and so deep,
it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...
and my love will find you wherever you are.

-Nancy Tillman


SO thankful today for Hope Fulfilled.  For a beautiful little girl getting to come home and the light her story will bring to so many!