A Village

They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I am discovering that it takes a village to help you get through the loss of a child too.

The other day, through a blog, we were able to discover that Callyrose will be placed with a very loving family who have two little girls already.  We saw pictures of her smiling and cuddling with them...she looked so happy.  And they looked overjoyed.  The bittersweet part was that Callyrose was wearing the dress that I had bought her.  We rejoice that she is with this family - it is what we have prayed about from the beginning - but since having to give up Callyrose, Anthony and I have grappled with how quickly we have been deleted from her life.  Callyrose and her new family will never know that another family gave her that dress and doll and loved her for months on end.  They will never know how much we wanted (want) her.  Life has begun for them and this stage has ended for us.

Every time I want to curl up in a ball of being forgotten, God has reminded me that I am not.  Through His people all around me.  Through our church who has prayed for us and cried for us.  Through phone calls and emails and hugs.  This week, I received two precious gifts that will forever be reminders of God's grace amidst heartbreak.  The first was a beautiful box. 

It is a memory box, lovingly decorated, that we can fill with all the precious things we had planned to give Callyrose.  Inside is a journal and place to put little keepsakes and pictures.  There is also a beautiful blue bottle with a note:

Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book." 

The note goes on to say, "This verse..says that God collects our tears.  He doesn't wipe them away, brush them aside, or tell us to stop crying.  He sees them fall.  He collects each one and records each one because they are significant to Him.  Our tears mean something to the God of the universe...He will heal.  He will redeem.  He will restore.  He will never leave you."

The second was a beautiful candle set:

The candles remind me of God at work in our lives, purifying us.  They remind me of going through fiery times.  They remind me of Christ's sacrifice for me and they remind me of hope burning bright.

I am so grateful for the people who have stepped out of their way to comfort us and help us through this time.  I now understand more about the Body of Christ and what being part of His Body means. 

These two visible reminders came right when I needed them most.  They remind me that our time with Callyrose does not need to be brushed aside and forgotten.  They also point me to the One who holds my future.

The friend who gave me the box also left me this note: "Callyrose was a very real and special part of your family.  She will always be part of you, carried in your heart.  While you were not able to meet her face to face, she has forever changed your life.  While you were not able to touch her, she touched your heart and softened it sweetly.  While you were not able to feel the warmth of her breath, she breathed a new kind of passion into your soul.  In my simple human wisdom, I cannot understand why she was not a part of your family longer, but I do know that we are all better people for having known her, for having prayed for her, for having loved her.  Her time in your family was too short but her impact was and will forever be irreplaceable."

Joy

Dear Callyrose,
The past two weeks have been topsy-turvy as we have tried every possible avenue to get you home to us.  Just two days ago, our caseworker told us that they would be willing to jump through any hoops and do any amount of fighting necessary to help you pass courts and the US embassy.  Then yesterday, it all came to a halt.  On a day that was supposed to be filled with good news for us because the judge decided to reopen court and approve our ammendment for you...came unexpected loss. 

Our agency was in court with another family when they ran into YOUR social worker...and another family...and our agency found out that the family was there for YOU.  The orphanage, months ago, had promised you to two families by mistake...ours and your new family.  They had been covering it up for months.  Neither of us knew about the other...and the other family has already passed court with you...so you are theirs.

Months ago, when we first learned about you, before we even had your referral officially in our hand, we prayed that you would be referred to the BEST family for you.  And so we HAVE to believe that this is the best family for you...although I can't imagine more awesome sisters than the ones you would have had with us. ;-)  I am so thankful that you, who had no family, have been able to have two families love you for the past 5 months.  And we - along with so many other friends and family - have been able to cover you in prayers and thoughts.  We love you Callyrose and we are so excited that you get to go home..that you get to belong to a family.  And though you will never, ever get to read all these letters we have written you or know how much you and Arabelle's smiles resemble each other's - we will know and we will be able to keep you in our heart and bathe you in prayer..even if we are never actually together on this earth.

Adoption is not without heartache and grief.  Adoption is a risky road to travel down.  But adoption is not about us - the parents adopting - it's about children.  Children who have lost their families.  It's a road worth taking because THEY need US to walk it.  Today, there is joy for Callyrose and that is what we prayed about all along.

Heartbreak and Hope

About an hour ago, my husband texted me to let me know that our agency is working on an update on our case for us.  This last hour has crept by at a miniscule rate and at the same time, the hard knot and sick feeling in my stomach is threatening to engulf me.  2 days ago, we were stunned to learn that our sweet girl may not be able to come home from Ethiopia due to paperwork.  Her hometown region has stopped processing all adoptions and our case cannot move along unless a judge from that region approves it.  We are still in disbelief and shock.  We were anticipating many road bumps ahead...but not one this soon and one we cannot even begin to fight.

Our first reaction was disbelief..and then devastation.  It probably doesn't make sense, but we have prayed and planned for Callyrose for 5 months.  We kiss her sweet smile at night, we tuck our girls into bed with prayers for her.  She sprinkles every conversation we hold and is in almost every thought we have...just like our 3 other daughters.  The day we found out, Anthony had ordered a camera card in anticipation of our trip to meet her and I had been browsing the dollar aisle at Target, finding tiny treasures to give her.  One phone call and our world has halted - instead of preparing to board a plane in a couple of weeks, we may have to prepare ourselves to either lose our child entirely or wait for a very.long.time.

I have walked around with this cold, hard knot in my stomach since The Phone Call.  The last time I felt this way was at a 20 week ultrasound for our middle daughter, hearing that she had a large tumor in her brain.  I always hoped I would never feel this way again...the feeling of uncertainty and fear...knowing that there was a very likely possibility that things could turn out very badly. 

Here's what I have discovered in the last 48 hours:  deciding to adopt has been the best decision Anthony and i have ever made..I love this little girl as much as I love my 3 other children.  No matter what happens, for the past 5 months we have gotten to bathe this little girl in prayer and pass her picture out to hundreds of people, asking them to bathe her also in prayer.  She has been stared at everyday, talked about by her sisters and LOVED.  And no matter what, I know that is what her mother was hoping for when she gave her up.  Even if Callyrose never gets to physically be a part of a family because of paperwork..we will ALWAYS be her family.  We will wait for her, pray for her, dream about her.  When we learned about Callyrose, before we ever got her referral, we prayed that if this was the little girl for us, that God would let her be referred to us.  When we got her referral and had no money to pay for it, we prayed that if this little girl would thrive with us, that the money would be supplied.  God has brought this girl into our lives for a reason...I beg with all my heart that it is to be with us, to come home.

The other thing that I have discovered is that when hard things happen in my life, I tend to run everywhere but God for love.  Oh, I pray for His comfort, search the Bible for His wisdom...but I look to people for love.  It's because, deep down, I am still hurting that He "allowed" this to happen to me.  Even though I KNOW He holds my future and is perfect in His wisdom and plan.  For the last hour, while I have waited for our caseworker to tell us whether or not this is the end of the road, I have had the song "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus," a song we often sing at church, on repeat.  Trying to remind myself that His love is is vast beyond all measure.

As I was writing this...I got this text: "Do not fear for I have redeemed you.  I have called you by name, and you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus...