About an hour ago, my husband texted me to let me know that our agency is working on an update on our case for us. This last hour has crept by at a miniscule rate and at the same time, the hard knot and sick feeling in my stomach is threatening to engulf me. 2 days ago, we were stunned to learn that our sweet girl may not be able to come home from Ethiopia due to paperwork. Her hometown region has stopped processing all adoptions and our case cannot move along unless a judge from that region approves it. We are still in disbelief and shock. We were anticipating many road bumps ahead...but not one this soon and one we cannot even begin to fight.
Our first reaction was disbelief..and then devastation. It probably doesn't make sense, but we have prayed and planned for Callyrose for 5 months. We kiss her sweet smile at night, we tuck our girls into bed with prayers for her. She sprinkles every conversation we hold and is in almost every thought we have...just like our 3 other daughters. The day we found out, Anthony had ordered a camera card in anticipation of our trip to meet her and I had been browsing the dollar aisle at Target, finding tiny treasures to give her. One phone call and our world has halted - instead of preparing to board a plane in a couple of weeks, we may have to prepare ourselves to either lose our child entirely or wait for a very.long.time.
I have walked around with this cold, hard knot in my stomach since The Phone Call. The last time I felt this way was at a 20 week ultrasound for our middle daughter, hearing that she had a large tumor in her brain. I always hoped I would never feel this way again...the feeling of uncertainty and fear...knowing that there was a very likely possibility that things could turn out very badly.
Here's what I have discovered in the last 48 hours: deciding to adopt has been the best decision Anthony and i have ever made..I love this little girl as much as I love my 3 other children. No matter what happens, for the past 5 months we have gotten to bathe this little girl in prayer and pass her picture out to hundreds of people, asking them to bathe her also in prayer. She has been stared at everyday, talked about by her sisters and LOVED. And no matter what, I know that is what her mother was hoping for when she gave her up. Even if Callyrose never gets to physically be a part of a family because of paperwork..we will ALWAYS be her family. We will wait for her, pray for her, dream about her. When we learned about Callyrose, before we ever got her referral, we prayed that if this was the little girl for us, that God would let her be referred to us. When we got her referral and had no money to pay for it, we prayed that if this little girl would thrive with us, that the money would be supplied. God has brought this girl into our lives for a reason...I beg with all my heart that it is to be with us, to come home.
The other thing that I have discovered is that when hard things happen in my life, I tend to run everywhere but God for love. Oh, I pray for His comfort, search the Bible for His wisdom...but I look to people for love. It's because, deep down, I am still hurting that He "allowed" this to happen to me. Even though I KNOW He holds my future and is perfect in His wisdom and plan. For the last hour, while I have waited for our caseworker to tell us whether or not this is the end of the road, I have had the song "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus," a song we often sing at church, on repeat. Trying to remind myself that His love is is vast beyond all measure.
As I was writing this...I got this text: "Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)
Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus...
Oh, Kerri, I have no words, but my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteoh Ker, I have chills. And tears. "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus" is the first hymn my father sang to me as a baby, and it's the first I sang to my own girls.
ReplyDeleteAll I can think is, no matter what, Callyrose is your little girl and always will be, no matter the outcome. I couldn't agree with this post more. God gave you a precious little bundle- and just like any biological baby, you know her and love her and have stories and pictures of her. And maybe God will take her away before you ever really get to know her. But then again, maybe he won't.
And until you know for certain, you know this: YOU are a child of God, and as such have full access to Christ, who always intercedes for you (Heb 7:25). And so you ask and you ask! It's your right, your privilege! And God hears the requests of the faithful (Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth!).
So I'm going to keep praying that Callyrose comes home to you... either until she is or until there's absolute certainty that you'll have to let her go. And just think: If you DO get to bring her home, you'll get to say as you did with Arabelle and as Elizabeth did with John (Luke 1:25), "The LORD has done this for me!"
Love you always,
L
While I've never met you, my stomach is knotting up along with yours. What hard news to receive. I'm just curious what adoption agency are you working with and from what area of Ethiopia is your daughter from? We lived in Ethiopia for several years and just recently completed the adoption of our Ethiopian children. My heart truly goes out to you, your family, and Callyrose.
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