Elora!!

We arrived in Addis on Saturday morning after a straight 13 hour flight.  The city was bustling and full of people.  Cars careen in all directions, putting New York City taxi drivers to shame.  We could barely contain our excitement as we spotted the transition house where we would be staying.  We had been warned that we would want to have our camera ready as soon as we got in the door, on the off chance that Elora would be there, waiting for us.  She wasn't...but as we greeted the others adoptive parents staying at the guest house, a tiny bundle was brought in behind our backs.  Suddenly the bundle, wrapped in a blue striped blanket, was thrust into my unsuspecting arms.  Wide brown eyes immediately locked eyes with me..and a coo and a smile came out of a tiny pink mouth.  Elora is a little miracle and has us totally smitten.  She has reminded me how TINY babies are..and how fun they are to cuddle.  She is happy nearly all the time (the first for a baby of mine!) and loves to coo.  

We can't seem to get enough time with her.  Our agency is very smart.  We have free access to our little ones throughout the day, but they try to take us on a lot of long day trips so that the children don't become too bonded to us (or us to them) so that leaving isn't as traumatic for them.  Ethiopia is full of beautiful, dignified amazing people who have been subjected to extreme poverty.  The middle class and upper class make up only about 3% of the population of Ethiopia.  Spending time here has been eye opening for us.  We have eaten in some beautiful resorts and hotels, which are located right now to countless rows of tiny shanties.   I cannot get over their beautiful spirits and kindness and generosity to us.

Today was court day...and today we have officially become the parents of 4 beautiful children.  From now on out, no matter what happens with the US embassy and her VISA, Elora is officially ours and our responsibility.  We were given our MOWA letters right at court (thank you for the prayers!) and so we can show her picture off everywhere now. :-)  So, being brand new proud parents - here are some more pictures of our sweet new addition.

Grace on March 2nd

Once, there was a couple who adopted a sweet, beautiful little girl from China.  They longed for her to have a sister...so they began the process again.  After crossing the land of paperwork for a year, they waited with great excitement for a phone call to come, telling them of another little girl.  They waited and waited and waited.  Two long years...and then they received news..but it was not the kind they were expecting.  The woman had been diagnosed with stage two breast cancer.  Their dreams of adopting were placed on the back burner as this couple braced themselves for a year of surgeries and treatments.  The woman DID get better...but she was told by China that she was no longer allowed to adopt the little girl she had dreamed about.  The couple tried to relinquish their desire for another child..but it was always there.

During this time of waiting, the couple opened their arms and home to a 16-year-old refugee from Burma.  She touched their lives in new and beautiful ways..and she wouldn't have entered their lives if they hadn't been waiting.  As they experienced life with both their girls, their desire to adopt intensified.  After many months of searching, this couple finally found an agency and country that was willing to work with the woman's cancer diagnosis.  In November of 2010, over 4 years after they had begun the adoption process, their paperwork was finally in Ethiopia.  Then...inexplicably...things slowed down for them again.   It wouldn't be until late into the following year...but finally, they were matched with a child. 

A little girl...with turned out feet. 

Here is the rest of their story in their own words, from their blog post:

We prayed fervently that God would fulfill our dreams of adopting again.  He answered this prayer with the referral of our beautiful daughter, Melat.  After meeting her in December, we were reminded yet again that God is so good and His plans are much better than ours.  As we say with all our daughters, we could have never dreamed of better children then the ones God has blessed us with.  God knew well before we ever meet what our family would be and He had his hands on our children, taking care of them in ways we never imagined before bringing them into our lives.

We are thrilled to report that on February 24 ^th we will be heading to Ethiopia to bring home our sweet Melat.  The wait the past couple of months has been the most difficult in all the years we have waited.    To hold your child and then have to leave her behind is unspeakable to us and we honestly don't know, other than by God's grace, how we did it.  Melat will be home with her forever family on March 2^nd, 2012.  It's been a long wait but God had a plan and we waited for Him to unite us with Melat.

Oh sweet grace.  The prayer that Anthony and I began praying last July has been answered: "Please let Melat be referred to a family who loves Jesus and who can best meet her needs."

Oh sweet joy.  God allowed us to find out what happened to our Melat....even though this dear family knows nothing about us.

Two families...two stories..each set out on their journey, longings laid open before God.  And God heard every anguished tear of both families.  And God took two families, rerouted their paths in ways they did not expect...and gave them both "immeasureably more than all they asked for or imagined."

In exactly one week,  on March 2nd, we will be flying to Ethiopia to meet Elora, our beautiful baby girl.  And on March 2nd, Melat will finally be flying home...to be with her Forever Family.

"Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus.."

What's In A Name

Dear Little Rekike,
Some days, while your sisters are sitting at the kitchen table, munching on pretzels and spooning yogurt into their mouths, they ask me to tell them the story of their names.  And so I tell them because I love their stories.  I always begin with Lilah. 

"When you were still inside me, tucked up in a little ball, Daddy would sing to you.  And one day, when he was singing a song called "Lyla," down close to my belly, the little ball that was you somersaulted over towards his voice.  He was so surprised, he stopped singing...but after that, no other name seemed to fit you as well as that one."

And I watch as a smile spreads across your sister's face.

I move on to Arabelle.  "When you were hidden in my belly, the doctors found a big boo-boo inside your head.  And they sent me to a hospital far away and they told me that you might not get better.  So EVERYONE began praying for you- day after day..and then, your boo-boo started to get smaller and smaller until there was nothing left...God had made you better!  And so we named you Arabelle which means `Answered prayer'."

And Arabelle's eyes light up.

At this point, I turn to Esme.  "Forever and always I loved the name Esme.  And when you were born, your Daddy and I had a different name picked out for you.  But as we held you close and looked into your eyes, suddenly that other name didn't seem to fit.  Esme means "loved" and that was what you were."

And Esme scrunches up her face in a grin.

But now, little Rekike, we don't stop with Esme.  Your sisters always ask me to tell another story.  It's the story of YOUR name..and it's their favorite.

"When I first heard your Ethiopian name, Rekike, I held my breath. It reminded me a lot of the nickname my friend always called me. Kiki.  I loved that God connected our names together from the beginning. We love your name..and now it was time to add our special names for you. Some names from US, your mommy and daddy. 

And so we named you, our bundle of hope, Elora Hartlee Rekike. Elora means `God is light.' We could think of no other name to better describe our journey to you. Hope shining in darkness. Forever and always, when I say your name on my lips, I will think of Psalm 36:9 `In Your light, we see light' and Isaiah 50:10 `Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.'

Hartlee twines its name around your Daddy's, since his middle name is Lee, and around Psalm 20:4. `May He give you the desire of your HEART and make all your plans succeed.'

So you, little Elora Hartlee Rekike, remind us of God's light shining forth. You have stolen our hearts and you are what we desire."

Right now, I don't get to see your face as I tell you your story.  But in 25 days, we are going to come and meet you. And I will whisper the story of your name and our journey to you in your ear...and even though you won't understand it now...someday you will.  And until then, I will hold you as close as can be for as long as they let me...

Hope. Hope. Hope.

What I have become so fearful of these last days is that our story - our failed adoption - will make others afraid to adopt.  We have become That Family.  The family whose fairy tale ending got ripped to shreds. 

Well...the truth is, I would do this all again in an heartbeat.  Every part of it.  Even the gut-wrenching, sobbing, heart-ripped-out-of-my-chest part of it that was our failed referral. 

The day after Christmas was awful.  A darkness settled in my soul that just wouldn't leave.  I felt overwhelmingly sad and overwhelmingly discouraged.  I felt like we didn't get Callyrose because I wasn't going to be a good enough adoptive mother, maybe I was already in over my head with the 3 kids I have, maybe I just wasn't perfect enough or have enough time to devote to a new child...maybe God knew I would fail miserably at this task.

I spilled out my feelings to my dear friend, Christina...who promptly told me that I was crazy and that those thoughts were not thoughts from our Heavenly Father.  She  gently reminded me of why we had decided to pursue adoption and then referred me to this blog about spiritual warfare and adoption.  Now, I am not a big attributing-every-bad-thing-that-happens-to-demons-attacking kind of girl...but this blog...oh this blog.  It literally echoed my fears almost word for word.  It reminded me that we have a very real Enemy who does not want to see  "the fatherless placed in families and the Church telling the fatherless about Christ."  If you are in the process of adoption and feel like waves of discouragement keep washing over your head, please read it.

Hope began to creep back in.  The next day...it was literally handed to me in the gift of a pair of earrings and a canvas, both spelling the word "hope" in Amharic, the official language of Ethiopia. 

 
And as I spent more and more time reading the Bible, I became reminded time and time again of 3 things: 1) God is the Defender of the fatherless and loves them 2) God loves me and is greater than any enemy along this adoption journey 3) my plans are not always God's plans...and thank goodness for that.  His adoption journey for me and for Callyrose is soo much better than what I had planned. Verses began to leap out left and right:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

"`For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him." Isaiah 64:4

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5,6

The darkness lifted and this is what I saw:  I have had the amazing experience of loving a child half a world away...and being used in her life for a short time until her Forever Family entered her life.  I am not trying to gloss over the pain.  But if you are going to experience pain...let it be this kind:  The kind that can rejoice because a child's arms will hug a mother's neck for the first time...and I can be confident that Callyrose is with the mother God had planned for her.

And we get to experience the joy of loving another little one again...this time, Lord willing, the one He has planned to be a part of our family.  And if not, she will become part of our story, part of our journey to whomever He has planned for us.

We have asked our agency for another referral.  My plan was to write this in between...to tell of all the amazing things God has been showing us as we wait.  But this afternoon, before I had a chance to write, I got a call from our agency....about a 3-month-old little girl, found abandoned in the sand at birth, who weighed only 5 lbs when she was a month-and-a-half old...OUR little girl.  She was born October 8th..well after our referral for Callyrose.  We would have never had her if we hadn't had Callyrose first.  God's ways are definitely not my ways...and I am happy about that. ;-)

A Village

They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I am discovering that it takes a village to help you get through the loss of a child too.

The other day, through a blog, we were able to discover that Callyrose will be placed with a very loving family who have two little girls already.  We saw pictures of her smiling and cuddling with them...she looked so happy.  And they looked overjoyed.  The bittersweet part was that Callyrose was wearing the dress that I had bought her.  We rejoice that she is with this family - it is what we have prayed about from the beginning - but since having to give up Callyrose, Anthony and I have grappled with how quickly we have been deleted from her life.  Callyrose and her new family will never know that another family gave her that dress and doll and loved her for months on end.  They will never know how much we wanted (want) her.  Life has begun for them and this stage has ended for us.

Every time I want to curl up in a ball of being forgotten, God has reminded me that I am not.  Through His people all around me.  Through our church who has prayed for us and cried for us.  Through phone calls and emails and hugs.  This week, I received two precious gifts that will forever be reminders of God's grace amidst heartbreak.  The first was a beautiful box. 

It is a memory box, lovingly decorated, that we can fill with all the precious things we had planned to give Callyrose.  Inside is a journal and place to put little keepsakes and pictures.  There is also a beautiful blue bottle with a note:

Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book." 

The note goes on to say, "This verse..says that God collects our tears.  He doesn't wipe them away, brush them aside, or tell us to stop crying.  He sees them fall.  He collects each one and records each one because they are significant to Him.  Our tears mean something to the God of the universe...He will heal.  He will redeem.  He will restore.  He will never leave you."

The second was a beautiful candle set:

The candles remind me of God at work in our lives, purifying us.  They remind me of going through fiery times.  They remind me of Christ's sacrifice for me and they remind me of hope burning bright.

I am so grateful for the people who have stepped out of their way to comfort us and help us through this time.  I now understand more about the Body of Christ and what being part of His Body means. 

These two visible reminders came right when I needed them most.  They remind me that our time with Callyrose does not need to be brushed aside and forgotten.  They also point me to the One who holds my future.

The friend who gave me the box also left me this note: "Callyrose was a very real and special part of your family.  She will always be part of you, carried in your heart.  While you were not able to meet her face to face, she has forever changed your life.  While you were not able to touch her, she touched your heart and softened it sweetly.  While you were not able to feel the warmth of her breath, she breathed a new kind of passion into your soul.  In my simple human wisdom, I cannot understand why she was not a part of your family longer, but I do know that we are all better people for having known her, for having prayed for her, for having loved her.  Her time in your family was too short but her impact was and will forever be irreplaceable."

Joy

Dear Callyrose,
The past two weeks have been topsy-turvy as we have tried every possible avenue to get you home to us.  Just two days ago, our caseworker told us that they would be willing to jump through any hoops and do any amount of fighting necessary to help you pass courts and the US embassy.  Then yesterday, it all came to a halt.  On a day that was supposed to be filled with good news for us because the judge decided to reopen court and approve our ammendment for you...came unexpected loss. 

Our agency was in court with another family when they ran into YOUR social worker...and another family...and our agency found out that the family was there for YOU.  The orphanage, months ago, had promised you to two families by mistake...ours and your new family.  They had been covering it up for months.  Neither of us knew about the other...and the other family has already passed court with you...so you are theirs.

Months ago, when we first learned about you, before we even had your referral officially in our hand, we prayed that you would be referred to the BEST family for you.  And so we HAVE to believe that this is the best family for you...although I can't imagine more awesome sisters than the ones you would have had with us. ;-)  I am so thankful that you, who had no family, have been able to have two families love you for the past 5 months.  And we - along with so many other friends and family - have been able to cover you in prayers and thoughts.  We love you Callyrose and we are so excited that you get to go home..that you get to belong to a family.  And though you will never, ever get to read all these letters we have written you or know how much you and Arabelle's smiles resemble each other's - we will know and we will be able to keep you in our heart and bathe you in prayer..even if we are never actually together on this earth.

Adoption is not without heartache and grief.  Adoption is a risky road to travel down.  But adoption is not about us - the parents adopting - it's about children.  Children who have lost their families.  It's a road worth taking because THEY need US to walk it.  Today, there is joy for Callyrose and that is what we prayed about all along.

Heartbreak and Hope

About an hour ago, my husband texted me to let me know that our agency is working on an update on our case for us.  This last hour has crept by at a miniscule rate and at the same time, the hard knot and sick feeling in my stomach is threatening to engulf me.  2 days ago, we were stunned to learn that our sweet girl may not be able to come home from Ethiopia due to paperwork.  Her hometown region has stopped processing all adoptions and our case cannot move along unless a judge from that region approves it.  We are still in disbelief and shock.  We were anticipating many road bumps ahead...but not one this soon and one we cannot even begin to fight.

Our first reaction was disbelief..and then devastation.  It probably doesn't make sense, but we have prayed and planned for Callyrose for 5 months.  We kiss her sweet smile at night, we tuck our girls into bed with prayers for her.  She sprinkles every conversation we hold and is in almost every thought we have...just like our 3 other daughters.  The day we found out, Anthony had ordered a camera card in anticipation of our trip to meet her and I had been browsing the dollar aisle at Target, finding tiny treasures to give her.  One phone call and our world has halted - instead of preparing to board a plane in a couple of weeks, we may have to prepare ourselves to either lose our child entirely or wait for a very.long.time.

I have walked around with this cold, hard knot in my stomach since The Phone Call.  The last time I felt this way was at a 20 week ultrasound for our middle daughter, hearing that she had a large tumor in her brain.  I always hoped I would never feel this way again...the feeling of uncertainty and fear...knowing that there was a very likely possibility that things could turn out very badly. 

Here's what I have discovered in the last 48 hours:  deciding to adopt has been the best decision Anthony and i have ever made..I love this little girl as much as I love my 3 other children.  No matter what happens, for the past 5 months we have gotten to bathe this little girl in prayer and pass her picture out to hundreds of people, asking them to bathe her also in prayer.  She has been stared at everyday, talked about by her sisters and LOVED.  And no matter what, I know that is what her mother was hoping for when she gave her up.  Even if Callyrose never gets to physically be a part of a family because of paperwork..we will ALWAYS be her family.  We will wait for her, pray for her, dream about her.  When we learned about Callyrose, before we ever got her referral, we prayed that if this was the little girl for us, that God would let her be referred to us.  When we got her referral and had no money to pay for it, we prayed that if this little girl would thrive with us, that the money would be supplied.  God has brought this girl into our lives for a reason...I beg with all my heart that it is to be with us, to come home.

The other thing that I have discovered is that when hard things happen in my life, I tend to run everywhere but God for love.  Oh, I pray for His comfort, search the Bible for His wisdom...but I look to people for love.  It's because, deep down, I am still hurting that He "allowed" this to happen to me.  Even though I KNOW He holds my future and is perfect in His wisdom and plan.  For the last hour, while I have waited for our caseworker to tell us whether or not this is the end of the road, I have had the song "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus," a song we often sing at church, on repeat.  Trying to remind myself that His love is is vast beyond all measure.

As I was writing this...I got this text: "Do not fear for I have redeemed you.  I have called you by name, and you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)

Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus...